Playing to Win
by Deena
Summary: Fujin attempts to help Seifer get through a bout of depression *angst, sap, language*


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Playing to Win  
  
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Fujin stepped out onto the balcony and shivered. The night was viscous with an inky wind and it tore through her plaid pajamas and swept into jagged, silver locks. She fisted her hands inside too-long sleeves and padded on bare feet towards the tall figure that dominated the balcony railing.  
  
"THREE O'CLOCK," she declared, coming to stand beside him. Ivory fingers rose to curl around the iron wrought balcony railing.  
  
"I know," Seifer replied, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. Blue eyes shifted and rippled down at her. "You should go back inside. It's cold out here."  
  
She looked pointedly at him, one crimson eye raking over a lean body that was clad only in a loose pair of black pajama bottoms. "COLD," she agreed, tilting her head to peer up at him. "INSIDE?"  
  
"I need to stay out here."  
  
Fujin mulled over his words uncertainly, trying to judge his mood. These days, she never knew what to say or how to act around Seifer. He wasn't the same as before, which was expected. How could anyone possibly return to normalcy after being a Sorceress's Knight? He had become withdrawn and laconic but she was glad. At least he *was* here, with her and Raijin. She needed him, as she always had. But that didn't mean she knew how to make things right for him, even though she wanted to so desperately.  
  
"NEED TO?" she finally parroted. She chewed on her lower lip anxiously. She didn't want to hover and pester him but at the same time she wanted to make certain that he knew she was there for him.  
  
He nodded, his gaze fixed one some far away point that only he could see.  
  
Tentatively she touched his arm, her skin looking so pale and small in comparison to his. He was cold beneath her fingertips. "CATCH FLU," she told him. "INSIDE. PLEASE?"  
  
"It doesn't matter," he murmured, his voice like a shadow blending into a wall.  
  
"DOES," she insisted, and added a scowl to impress upon him that she was serious.  
  
Wordlessly he looked down at her for a few instants before managing a small smile. "You should know better than to try and intimidate me, Fujin. Your glares can't scare me off."  
  
"KICK WILL."  
  
One brow arched as he deliberately cast ocean-colored eyes upon her feet, where her toes were peeking out from under the cuffs of too-long green and grey plaid pajama pants. "I see."  
  
Fujin bristled at the condescension in his tone. Obviously he wasn't about to take her seriously, especially given the fact that she was barefooted and in her pajamas. Well it didn't matter to her because she was stubborn and there wasn't a man on earth, Seifer Almasy included, who could intimidate her. This time she didn't give a fuck what Seifer wanted. It was cold and late and he was damn well coming inside with her, even if she had to resort to shady tactics like casting sleep to do it!  
  
She seized his wrist and tightened her fingers around chilled flesh.  
  
Blue eyes flashed ominously. "Fujin, I already told-"  
  
One scarlet eye flared with matching intensity. "SHUT UP." Her voice was icy and left no room for argument. "SEIFER SAY NOTHING."  
  
Displeasure tinted aristocratic features but Seifer obeyed, knowing that it was futile to argue with her once her mind was made up.  
  
She dragged the tall blond back into their hotel room, kicking the balcony door shut behind them. Her eye adjusted to the murky darkness as she led Seifer past his own bed, past a heavy-slumbering and loudly-snoring Raijin and into her own room.  
  
Switching on the light, she let go of Seifer's wrist. "SIT," she ordered, closing the door firmly behind them.  
  
His eyes narrowed as he sat down on the edge of her bed, scowling.  
  
"TALK," she instructed, sitting down beside him.  
  
His expression hardened and briefly she wondered if perhaps she had crossed the line. "Fujin-"  
  
"NEED TO," she interrupted, softening both her gaze and tone. She touched his bare shoulder briefly, gently. "WILL HELP."  
  
He jerked away from her touch roughly and raked a hand angrily through his hair. "What the hell do you want me to say, Fujin?" he demanded, his tone harsh. "That I made a mistake? That I fucked up? Is that what you wanna hear?"  
  
"SEIFER-"  
  
"I fucked up, Fujin. I'm a weak, piece of shit loser who doesn't fucking deserve-"  
  
She hit him.  
  
Her fist shattered against his mouth. It was a strong punch, being as both Seifer and Raijin had taught her how to fight and her knuckle was gaunt enough to draw blood.  
  
Blue eyes were comically wide as lengthy fingers reached up to touch the torn tissue.  
  
Fujin was equally as stunned. Her heart raced and she could still feel the imprint of his lips upon her hand. With the exception of their childhood days at Edea's orphanage, she had never hit Seifer. Kicked him, yes. Hit him, no. And now here they were, staring at each other with wide eyes because she had punched him.  
  
But she wasn't about to back down. She and Raijin had done enough tiptoeing around Seifer, treating him like a frail glass shard that could break under the slightest strain. That wasn't their Seifer; their Seifer was strong and confident and it was time for him to stop feeling sorry for himself. She steeled her emotions and strengthened her resolve. He had been through a lot but he wasn't a loser and he did have self-worth. She knew it and she would have to make him see it.  
  
She fetched a napkin and with a carefully blank face, she pressed the cloth to his mouth. "STUPID," she muttered, watching the white material slowly soak red. "NOT LOSER, NOT WEAK. SELF-PITY STUPID." She met his gaze clearly and directly. "SEIFER STRONG."  
  
He snorted and ripped the cloth from her hands. Blood swelled upon the split flesh, his tongue darting out to smooth it away. "I was Ultimecia's bitch. I let her fuck me up and did whatever she wanted. That sounds pretty goddamn weak to me, Fujin."  
  
"MISTAKE," she replied simply.  
  
The cloth in his hand tightened. "Why is it," he began, his words deliberate and ice-laden. "that everytime I fuck up, you're always there to justify it?"  
  
Fujin froze.  
  
"When I failed the SeeD exams, it was because the instructors were wrong. When I scarred Squall, he deserved it but he was a bastard for scarring me back. Isn't that what you told me then, Fujin?" He stared at her, blue eyes shredding into her. "And now you're telling me that helping a sorceress who tried to wipe out time was just a *mistake*? The whole world knows what a shit-assed loser I am but you can't see that, can you? I'm still on your goddamn pedestal. What the hell do you want from me?"  
  
Words had never been her strong point and now they escaped her completely. She could feel her cheeks paling as an icy chill slipped beneath her skin and raced upon her nerves. She couldn't think, couldn't feel. Seifer's words numbed her, as he came close to ripping her apart. He would take everything from her, everything she had sought to hide for so long and she would be left exposed. He had that much power over her.  
  
"Nothing to say now, Fujin?" he taunted heartlessly.  
  
She couldn't deny his claims for both of them would recognize her lies. The truth was too much for her to reveal; she couldn't bear to give him anymore of herself. Only one course remained and she desperately seized it.  
  
"UNDERSTAND NOW," she whispered thickly, forcing herself to speak around the throbbing lump in her throat. "HELP UNWANTED." She stood up, jagged silver locks obscuring her sight as she deliberately avoided his gaze. "APOLOGIZE. BOTHER NO MORE."  
  
He was up and seizing hold of her arm before she could cross the room to leave. "Planning on leaving?" he asked, bending his head close to her so that his voice waved over her skin and brushed upon her ear. His hand tightened around her wrist painfully, sharp curves slicing up her arm. "You think I don't know what you're doing? You don't give a rat's ass about what I feel, do you?"  
  
Her breathing grew choppy and she had to wait until she could speak. "LET GO," she ordered in as even a tone as she could.  
  
"And if I don't?" he challenged softly, his lips sliding into her hair.  
  
Frosty shivers streaked down her spine and puddled into the pit of her stomach. His extreme proximity was unnerving. She was plunged into a daunting awareness; his bare chest that was nearly grazing her back, his biting grip upon her wrist, the coolness of his breath against her ear. Little things that had never been turned upon her before for she wasn't the sort of girl that Seifer would want. She was too masculine, too ugly.  
  
It was just another game to him, toying with her. He was angry and when he was angry, he was irrational and spiteful. He lashed out with hurtful words and actions. He wanted to hurt her, as she had physically hurt him, she knew it. That's what it meant, he didn't really know what she kept. He couldn't really want her. And if he did know, she would hide again. She knew all too well how to close herself, how to be unexpected.  
  
She turned slightly, her face inches away from Seifer's and she could see the raw tear she had made upon his mouth. "HERE HIT," she murmured, touching her own mouth with her left hand. "OWE. FAIR."  
  
Her suggestion left him stunned and blinking, as she knew it would. At least it was better than him delving inside of her...wasn't it?  
  
"You want me to hit you," he echoed, blue eyes melting upon her as his gaze roamed over her face and rested upon her mouth. The frosty irritation dissipated from his features. "You really think I would?"  
  
"FAIR," she insisted, refusing to be swayed by the sudden softness in his expression and tone. "WOULD RAIJIN."  
  
A slight smile played upon bruised lips, as if her answer amused him. "And if I want to take something else from you?"  
  
Bursts as bright as Flare magic erupted within her mind. Her reason screamed that she was venturing onto dangerous grounds and she should retreat immediately. She knew it, she really did but still her mouth spoke without restraint. "MEANING?"  
  
He smirked, a twinge of the old Seifer peering through. "I'll show you."  
  
Self-preservation compelled her to shake her head and yank her arm free from his grip. "NO," she intoned firmly, resisting the urge to massage her aching wrist. She warily took a step back. "LATE."  
  
Sneering, he caught her wrist once more and pulled her close. "You didn't think so when you decided to drag me into your room."  
  
He placed emphasis upon the words 'drag' and 'room' in a decidedly lewd tone.  
  
Fujin didn't know whether to be alarmed or bewildered. How had had she gone from stepping onto the balcony to bring Seifer inside to this...weirdness? Why was Seifer treating her like she'd done something wrong? She only wanted to help him. And now here he was, playing games with her and acting as though she was some stupid girl. The control she'd attempted to gain had rapidly withered into nothing and once more, she was losing. Why was it that she always lost with Seifer? He stripped everything from her and like a fool, still she stayed by his side and hoped.  
  
Even though it wasn't supposed to be like this, the careless way he demanded from her. What did he want? If he knew...but he couldn't. And he certainly would never reciprocate what she felt.  
  
He had never acted this way towards her. It was unnerving. So she did the only thing she could and asked him why.  
  
Eyes like liquid stared at her incredulously. "You're asking me why? You bring me into your room and split my lip apart and then look at me with those eyes..." His other hand caught her chin and forced her to look up at him. "...when all I can see is you anyway and now you ask me why? How much are you going to take from me, Fujin? Haven't you demanded enough from me already?"  
  
"ME?" she cried, spilling onto the verge of hysteria. What the hell was he saying? She had never taken anything from him! It was he who forced everything from her; she had betrayed the Garden for him! She had taken Ellone for him! She had turned away from him, for him! "YOU EVERYTHING!" Her voice splintered brokenly as she averted her eyes. "TAKING ALWAYS. YOU- "  
  
He kissed her.  
  
Seconds of pure, wide-eyed shock coursed through her like thread ripping apart a cloth. Seifer was kissing her! Her, Fujin, the asexual tomboy who no one could ever love. She who pretended that she had no feminine traits so that he'd never guess her secret; that she was hopelessly in love with him.  
  
That was her locked secret. For years Fujin had loved Seifer. Quietly, unassumingly, desperately. She had wordlessly watched beautiful girls flock to his side, watched as Seifer dated them all, watched as he had fallen for Rinoa Heartilly, someone she could never compete with. So it made sense that she never tried. What was the point in playing to lose? His friendship was worth more than a simple fling so she never let him know. He deserved better than her anyway.  
  
But then why was kissing her?  
  
Seifer's hands released her only to curve around her waist and fold her to his hard form. Her mouth parted in a silent gasp at the feel of his naked chest pressing against her. Seifer's tongue scribbled wet abstracts upon her lips before slipping into her mouth. Ashen fingers came up to cling to strong arms as twists of rampant desire weaken her. She found herself responding to him, touching his tongue with her own and it must have been right for he pulled her closer. One hand rose to tangle into her hair, holding her to him.  
  
He didn't kiss her, he swallowed her whole. His lips tore hers open and with rough, hungry strokes, he marked her mouth. His tongue glazed its way far into her, reaching against the back of her throat and from there, deep shivers splashed into her stomach. She squirmed against the rigid wall of his chest, feeling hot and cold and faint at the same time.  
  
His roaming tongue slipped from her mouth and he began to nibble lightly upon her lips before sinking his teeth into the moist, pink flesh. She cried out softly.  
  
"Now we're even," Seifer murmured thickly, letting go of her. The smirk that crossed aristocratic features was betrayed by a shaky hand that raked through flaxen locks. "Your lips are bruised too."  
  
Fujin gawked at him as a scarlet heat spilled onto wan cheeks. A hundred different thoughts and emotions streaked through her mind like a light beam fleeing the spectrum. Seifer had kissed to bruise her, just after telling her that she took everything from him!  
  
She hated him at that moment, hated him like she'd never hated anything before. Why was he so bent on hurting her when she had only ever wanted to comfort him? She knew what a bastard he could be but he had never been so cruel to her. He had helped her so many times in the past, inadvertently winning her love. He had stood by her side when no one else would even look at her. And now he was mocking her, maliciously slashing apart her feelings like she meant nothing to him. And maybe she didn't. Seifer didn't need her, he was strong and confident. It was she who needed him; love chained her to his side.  
  
Perhaps he saw that he'd hurt her or perhaps it was her silence. She didn't know what goaded him into speaking but he did, his voice sounding faint against the thoughts that sloshed in her mind.  
  
"Fujin-"  
  
She took a step back and stumbled in her haste. He reached for her and she could feel hysteria bubbling within. She jerked away, her chest heaving with the effort to breathe. "NO," she warned, swallowing hoarsely. "DON'T."  
  
"I didn't mean-"  
  
She couldn't bear his apologies. She didn't want to hear him tell her that it was nothing, that he didn't mean to. Biting liquid stung in her eyes and she knew, that after so many years, she was going to cry. Her pride forced her into action. She wasn't about to let Seifer see her break down, not after everything else he had seen.  
  
Turning, she scrambled across the room and her hand closed on the doorknob only to have him stop her, his hands clasping around her shoulder blades. Deep twists of bitter panic washed over her as she struggled to cease the flow of tears that gnawed at her eyes. He wasn't going to leave her alone, even now he would take from her!  
  
"I'm not going to let you go," he grated out, his tone grim.  
  
She squeezed her eye shut at the sound of his voice, saying words that she didn't understand. Gulping in air as quietly as she could manage, Fujin forced herself to remain calm. "UNWANTED," she reminded him dully, trying to shrug his hands off. "SEIFER STAY ALONE."  
  
"You couldn't leave me alone in the first place, could you?"  
  
The bitter accusation in his voice was starkly blatant. The whole night had been filled with Seifer acting so strangely. What did he want from her? What did his words mean? She didn't know, couldn't even begin to guess, but she'd had enough. Somehow, a patience she didn't know she had stretched infinitely where Seifer was concerned. But that rope was fraying as he drove her straight into a frenzy.  
  
She whirled around, not caring what he saw in her face. "NOT TOY!" she spat, clenching pale fingers into fists. "WHOLE NIGHT! ACCUSE ME, KISS ME, HATE ME! UNFAIR!"  
  
He searched her face for a long moment, an uneasy silence stretching between them as she glared up at him, struggling against sharp tears. When he finally spoke, his tone was contrite. "I don't hate you, Fujin," he amended, reaching out for her. "I only just-"  
  
One swift motion knocked his hand away. "HATE YOU!" Her eye flashed an angry crimson. "BASTARD! PLAYING GAMES!"  
  
His anger rose to match hers. "You tell me that I'm playing games but aren't you doing the same?" He leaned close to her, so that all she could see were dark ocean-depth eyes. "You've never once given me a straight answer, Fujin. Why the hell do you insist on seeing things that aren't there? You say that you hate me when you're still at my fucking side. All this time, after everything I've done, you're still here. Why the hell is that?" His hand reached out to brush a lock of hair from her cheek and she flinched. "Let me hear you say it."  
  
"DON'T UNDERSTAND," she lied flatly. Inside, she was quaking. He knew it; somehow he'd slipped past her defenses to find out that she loved him. He was asking her say it, to admit that she had done the stupidest thing possible and fallen for the one who was truly unapproachable. But she wouldn't do it because giving so much of herself away would leave her with nothing and all her life she'd been drowning in nothing.  
  
"I think you understand all to well." He shifted closer, forcing her back against the rough wood of her door. "You're driving me crazy, you know that? All I see is you. You're everywhere; in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my illusions. Everything reminds me of you. You haunt me, Fujin." His hands slid around her waist, forcing her into contact with his rigid body. "It was so much easier before. But when Ultimecia compressed time, you were the only thing in my consciousness. You took my hand and guided me home. I made it back to Balamb because of you."  
  
He had made it back because of her?! Her heart raced as she stood silent and unmoving in his arms, trying to ingest what he was telling her.  
  
"I've never understood you," he continued, one hand stroking her hip lightly as he talked. "You're like no girl I've ever met. You're tough and confident and silent and just so damn strong. It was easy for me to forget that you are a girl. You're nothing like Rinoa. I thought I wanted a girl who needed me but I was wrong. I'm the one who's needing."  
  
"MOODY," Fujin muttered, refusing to believe what he was telling her. "UPSET, KIND, NASTY, SWEET...CONFUSED."  
  
"You should know by now what an asshole I am."  
  
She was torn between defending him and agreeing with him. Her mind was so crammed that she ended up thinking of nothing. "LATE," she said, blurting out the first thing that cleared its way through the intellect trash that cramped her brain. "TIRED."  
  
"You're still running from me." His hands tightened around her waist and she could feel what their close proximity was doing to him.  
  
Paling, she held her breath. He felt large and rigid against her. "Tell me you love me," he grated out, purposely moving his hips to brush against the sudden heat spreading in her lower body.  
  
Gasping sharply, she squeezed her eye shut. She strove to remain detached from the gnawingly alien feelings that were enveloping her body. She had to focus on what he was saying. She had to leave before she melted into nothing. She had to-  
  
"Say it Fujin," he urged, his lips sweeping the curves of her ear. Hardness stabbed into her as his pelvis ground against hers.  
  
"S-SEIFER," she stuttered, breathing jaggedly. She squirmed, feeling unbearably hot. So many writhing shivers were coiling inside of her, causing her to actually ache. "STOP."  
  
"Do you want me?" He bent his head close and she could feel his breath cool upon her lips  
  
"I..." She bit back a moan as his hand reach up to curve around her breast. She opened her eye to see him inches away, blue eyes glistening like liquid as he watched her.  
  
And at that moment, it was imminent. He had all the cards, made and broke the rules to suit him. He wasn't above using sex and when against him, she was excruciatingly weak. She gave up. "LOVE YOU," she whispered wearily in a voice so soft she could barely hear herself. Ashen fingers reached up to trace the scar that marred Seifer's aristocratic profile.  
  
He caught her hand in his own and pressed it to his mouth. "You know I need you, right?"  
  
She said nothing because she had lost. One again, he had forced her to play the fool. The one-eyed ugly albino who never knew when to quit. Unbidden, tears pooled in the well of her eyes before splashing down her cheeks. She was tired now.  
  
He spoke, words falling upon empty ears. She couldn't hear anything save for the vehement raging within her mind.  
  
Defeated.  
  
She was defeated.  
  
Yet again.  
  
Her hand fell from his as smooth fingers came up to graze away crystalline tears. "I'm such a bastard," he murmured, stroking the wet slope of her cheek. "I don't want you to cry, Fujin."  
  
His touch brought her back to herself and she could feel herself trembling in his arms. She fought back tears. "DEFEATED," she whispered, unintentionally vocalizing the one solid thought that was streaking through her mind.  
  
"Is that how you really feel?" There was something nameless and stark his features and it bewildered her to see it. "Like you've lost?"  
  
She blanched, her gaze falling away brokenly.  
  
Long fingers shifted from her cheek to rest under her chin. He tilted her face upwards. "And if I tell you that I've also lost?"  
  
One crimson eye clenched shut. She didn't want to hear it, didn't want to believe it. Not now.  
  
"You and I are the same."  
  
He couldn't mean it. He had to be lying. He wouldn't want her...  
  
Seifer kissed her again, putting into action what he was confessing. This time around, his kiss was meltingly sweet. "I love you Fujin."  
  
She inhaled harshly, clutching his rigid arms to keep from falling. She had nothing to say as thoughts and speech alike fled from her. Wordlessly, she gaped.  
  
"Forgive me?" He fumbled to catch hold of her hand before tightening his fingers around hers. "I've never treated you right." Chiseled lips pressed upon her forehead. "I don't mean to hurt you but still I do. I can't understand why you're still with me."  
  
Her heart broke into a thousand pieces and fell from her eye as scalding liquid. Her head dropped to rest against his shoulder and she marred bare skin with her tears.  
  
His hand tangled in her hair. "Say something," he urged gently.  
  
He had done what even her dreams hadn't allowed and confessed his love for her and she still couldn't speak. Light-headed and dizzy, she didn't know what to think because the world was suddenly confusing and she couldn't distinguish reality from illusion.  
  
Seifer said he loved her. Wasn't that atypical of the accepted laws of the universe? It made no sense. How could someone as perfect as Seifer love someone as flawed as she? How was it possible? What did he see in her? She had nothing!  
  
"H-HOW?" she ended up croaking coarsely. "WHY?"  
  
He spoke in a tone so serious that she could hardly believe it was him. "Because for reasons I still don't understand, you care. After all the shit I did, you stood by me. You gave up everything for me. When Ultimecia compressed time, you found me. I probably wouldn't even be here if you hadn't led me back." He stroked her hair with whispering fingertips. "I owe you so much, Fujin. I see it now. These past few weeks, I've been going crazy. I wanted to say something to you but how could I? I didn't want to spoil our friendship and it's not like I deserve you anyway. But when you get all concerned for me and defend me and let me hurt you, I can't help it. You're always taking my shit and you never complain. I want to make things right for you. I know I fucked myself over so bad but maybe, for you, I can change. If you'd let me."  
  
His words echoed her own thoughts. How could it be, that he felt unworthy of her? She raised her head, seeing where she had hurt him. Her gaze scattered upwards, into beautiful eyes that she knew all too well. Colorless fingers reached up to touch his torn lip. "STUPID," she murmured, feeling overwhelmingly surreal. "ALWAYS YOU. NEVER LEAVE."  
  
Against her fingers, he smiled. "I love you."  
  
She nodded, jagged bangs falling into her eye. She didn't know what to say or what to believe. Was this was a dream or some other cruel twist of fate? Or maybe it *was* real, in which case she didn't know what to do. Happiness was a rarity she hadn't often experienced. At best she was used to being apathetic and brooding. How was she supposed to act, when she was faced with all she'd ever wanted? Would it last? Would Seifer realize what a mistake he was making by falling for her? Would he find someone more worthy?  
  
"We're the same, you and I," he whispered, as though reading her mind. "Don't doubt, Fujin."  
  
The same. Could she accept that they really were? He had accused her of putting him up on a pedestal. But he had been there for so long that it didn't matter what he did because he would always remain there, as the man she loved. She couldn't help herself, even against her better judgment. Apparently he felt the same. He had forced her to admit her feelings because he couldn't fight his own.  
  
What did it all mean? She didn't know. He didn't know either. But together, she was sure they would find out.  
  
"NO," she answered, winding her free arm around his neck. "NO DOUBTS."  
  
He loved her. For whatever reason and however wrong, he loved her. It was weird, it was unnatural, it was...beyond beautiful. Her mind swirled into haziness as she stood up on her toes and kissed Seifer. She wasn't proficient at voicing her thoughts but she was good at loving him.  
  
In the end, maybe nothing else mattered, if their feelings were so adamant. Some things were just inevitable to escape.  
  
~*~The End~*~ 


End file.
